Thoughts on this Election from a Gay Soldier

Thoughts on this Election from a Gay Soldier

By Dustin Anderson

*WARNING*The is a bit of back story to this so be prepared for a long ride

I guess you can say that I have been confused throughout most of my life. There has been a battle that rages in me, and a fear that remains ever present in my mind. Growing up I never wanted to be different I always wanted to just fade into the background and not be made fun of (which never happened I was made fun of a lot as a kid), but there were always those thoughts of one day being someone who was considered “cool.” Telling a joke that went over really well, doing something that made the other kids cheer for me, etc. that “heroic-self” was always a dream and never really manifested into reality. So, I leaned into my awkwardness. Mom showed me Star Wars at a young age so I asked for Star Wars books, I wore Pokémon shirts (even though I was called a baby because of it… this was also at the height of Pokémon idolization so take that for what it is worth). I bought comics with my allowance, I saved up and bought all of my video game systems. I always lived inside this bubble of otherness, and this includes dating.

Now, I don’t think I’ve ever put down or fully explained what the coming out process was like to anyone, but I feel like there is a part of me that can convey an accurate, and brief synopsis. I had my first gay experience when I was very young, around ten. Yes, it’s young. Yes, I didn’t quite fully understand the situation. I was curious. I kissed my only friend at the time, I really liked the feeling. In the interest of full disclosure, we weren’t being supervised and only had the discussions of adults to tell us what else to do. Let’s just leave it as we “did other stuff.” Later, my mom called me into our living room and asked what we had done. Apparently my friend had told his parents what we had done and they were furious. My mom asked me what happened. The thing I remember most about this experience is the look of fear and anger washing over her face. So I lied about it. From that day on, my feelings for the same sex would remain buried until I got some courage from braver people. Throughout middle school and high school I chased the dream of becoming a cool kid. So I lost my lisp, thanked god when my vocal register dropped a couple of octaves, and started trying to look at girls. I got into my first relationship at the age of 12, lost my virginity at the age of 14, and even though I never felt quite satisfied with any of it I took solace in the fact that I was only being made fun of for hanging out with the nerdy kids. After my fourth relationship I came out as bi. Why? I had found a group of friends that wasn’t going to drop me at the first sign of homosexuality, and I finally had gay acquaintances that helped me to follow their example. I had my first real gay experience at the age of 17 with someone who was known as the “gay whore” in the bathroom at a public library. It made me feel good, but there were comments made by people that made me rush back into the closet. I am a little embarrassed that thing that made me rush back into the closet were just some comments. I met a group later on that was extremely accepting, and filled with more LGBT people. So I went back out of the closet, but not really. I said I was bi. Had some more gay experiences, but then went back to dating women because it seemed easier to be cool when I was straight rather than gay. That led to me getting engaged, which led me to the military.

When I got to the military I loved it. I was exercising, I had people that liked me, but it challenged me in every way. It challenged my body, it challenged my resolve, and most importantly (since it relates to the theme of this post) it challenged my politics. I was a die hard democrat before the military, but listening to people and keeping an open mind made me fall somewhere in between the lines. The thing is that I still wasn’t a cool kid in the military. There were tons of people with louder voices, better jokes, and more confidence; it’s just here it didn’t matter. There were also people that didn’t care if I was the loudest or the funniest they just cared about me getting my work done. It’s sometimes the simplest answer that makes the best answer. If it weren’t for me going into the military I don’t think I ever would have had the courage to come out of the closet completely, which I know is most likely the weirdest fucking thing anyone has said about the military in the history of the military. So when “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” got repealed, it was my time. I left my fiancé (which I still feel really bad about but that is a post for another time), dated one more person to make sure, had a sit down with myself, and finally did something for myself instead of something that would “get me into the ranks of cool.” I came out. Completely. I am a gay man. I am in the military. It felt like I had woken up. Later meeting a man that I feel head over heels for. I finally had both of the things I had always wanted.

Flash forward to this election. We are finding out the people who are vying for candidate in both parties. My first thoughts were “Oh, Trump. That would be cool. A none career politician, who isn’t bought by anyone because he already has a lot of money. Let’s go with him.” A week later, anti-Mexican remarks, anti-Muslim remarks, anti-LGBT remarks, Anti-Female, anti-African American then my thoughts went to “ok. Not him. No need to vote for a lunatic, and even if he isn’t bought by the politician’s people I doubt he isn’t owned by someone. That was kind of stupid for me to think that just because he is a business man that means he isn’t corrupt. They are some of the most corrupt mother fuckers out there besides politicians.” It literally goes “you know the only thing that lies more than a used car salesman? A politician.”

So not trump. Hopefully Marco Rubio gets the vote for Republicans, but I’m a registered Democrat. I need to pay attention to them. I see Bernie Sanders. I see videos of him having the same views in the 80’s (when it wasn’t popular to have those opinions) on topics important to me, and he kept those views today. Now my thoughts “Ok. Here is a guy that I can get behind. He may have unrealistic notions about how money in the government works, but at least he’s consistent and that is the best thing I could ask for from a candidate.” I looked at Hilary and said “you know who’s not consistent. Her. I really hope she doesn’t get elected into the democratic spot.”

Flash forward again. “ok. So neither of the people I hoped for won, and I am morally opposed to both options in the major spots. Maybe I should look into a third option.” I see Gary Johnson. “ok, here is a guy I can get on board with. Friend to the gays, fiscally responsible, a couple of shitty parts but nothing I can’t live with really. Let’s go with him.” I posted stuff on my Facebook, got in political arguments, but soon realized that I was most likely wasting my vote. I was back in that “cool kid” mentality. “I should probably just vote for Hilary because if I don’t my rights are going to go away as a gay man. Maybe we will get a better option later.” So I kept Johnson’s page as “liked” on my Facebook because I morally stood with him, and I still fucking hate the two party system.

Flash forward again. I get told I have a military class I need to take. I know this is going to make me miss the election. I look into my options, but there doesn’t seem to be a way for me to get a vote in on the weekend before I have to show up to this class. So I suck it up and drive on. That’s the military mentality, just got to get it done. So I silence all of my opinions about who should be elected, or the people that aren’t voting because I can’t vote, so if I can’t vote I have no right to tell someone else how to vote in my stead or that they should go out to vote even though I am not.

Now here we are, I am still in training, and the elections have come in. I’m back to that cool kid wannabe mentality because I don’t want to blatantly disagree with people Trump celebrators about things he said, I don’t want to blatantly disagree with Hilary supporters because of how it will make me look. If I were to put myself in an alternate universe where I was able to vote, and I am really honest with myself I know I would have voted for Hilary but for no good reason accept that I felt unsafe by the thought of Trump.

As I sit here combing over people’s pleas on Facebook I have nothing to do but think. People are angry and rightly so, the first thing I did when it looked like Trump was going to win was look to see if he could take one of the few things I care about in this world away from me, the military. Started worrying about violence, started worrying about marriage, my mind has been racing, and I haven’t been able to get it to stop. A part of me knows that there is low possibility of this actually happening, but there is still more of a possibility than before. There is still more of a possibility than if they didn’t control the house, the senate, and the presidency. There is still a big possibility that I could get fucked, and hard; however, I never stopped respecting the decision of those who thought differently than me. Someone who isn’t gay, or a minority as a whole, is going to think the way they think because they have never been forced to think in a different way. Not every person who voted for Trump is against minorities, we know that, they cared more about finances than they did social equality because they either figured that the president was all talk about social issues and would never act on them, or they just simply cared more about the other issues. I hold no ill will to those who voted differently than I would have. I damn sure don’t hold people accountable that voted for a third party because they wanted to vote away from the third party system. I know these people think differently than me, for time they thought in the same way I did before I changed my mind. Being around people from different places shows you that they aren’t inherently bad people, and everyone really needs to stop thinking of them as Satan’s army.

The election is over. It’s time to mend fences, it’s time to look someone in the eye and realize that there reasons for voting were different than yours. Things could very possibly get very hairy for us, but that is nothing we aren’t used to. If there is one thing I know about the LGBT community or any minority is that we are fighters. It is in us to fight, it is written in our genetic code. So let’s fight. If the time comes, we will be ready.