By Dustin Paul Shimoji
So I recently went through a large transition in my life. I
got married, what’s more I got gay
married. With that event I had a choice to make, keep my last name or take my
husband’s name. I chose to take my husband’s name, but I had made that choice
before I had ever actually met my husband.
The story of my hatred for my last name begins with my dad,
Richard Paul Anderson. Without going into too much detail I detest my father,
and I never wanted to keep his name. Keeping his name would mean that he still
had some sort of phantom hold over me. After I cut ties with my father my
mother asked if I wanted to change my last name to her maiden name, Harvey. I
wasn’t really sure about it at the time because I was 12, I had friends that
knew me as Dustin Anderson, and I didn’t know anything about the man who was
the reason for my mother’s maiden name Harvey because he died before I was born
(my… I guess you would say… birth grandfather?). So it never changed, I wanted
to get rid of my last name but Harvey didn’t fit either, it seemed like more of
a spite driven name change than a meaningful one. Also, my father was adopted so
I don’t know what his original last name was supposed to be in the first place.
The other reason I hated my name is because it was the most
common fucking name in existence. Everywhere I turned there was an Anderson.
Law buildings, street names, name tags in the military, etc. I’ve met more
Anderson’s in my life than almost anything (I’ve met more Browns and Smiths).
Sure it got me near the front of a line if we were going alphabetically by last
name, but it was annoying to hear it after a while. Anderson. Anderson.
Anderson. Common fucking last name that I had to hear every time, and it was
always followed by a fucking matrix reference that someone assuredly thought
they were saying to me for the first time. “Mr. Anderson. HA! GET IT? LIKE THE
MOVIE! GET FUCKED KEANU!” I swear the lineage of this Ander guy have fucked more
people than any other -son in existence.
So I always knew I was going to change my last name and I
always knew that it was going to come up when I got married. When I was engaged
to a woman and forcing myself to think and act straight I was still going to
change my last name to hers regardless of the demasculating assumptions people
made. I would have been Dustin Paul Nelson (I could take the Simpsons
references over the Matrix references). Then my mind got cleared and I was able
to be myself. My gay self.
It wouldn’t have mattered who I married there were only two
things that remained clear in my head. 1) That I would take the last name of
whoever I ended up with 2) that I would only get married once in my life. Luckily
I found the perfect guy for me, and took a last name that has a lot of history
to it.
Now that you know the backstory, here comes the question:
Why are we still treating the person that takes the last name as the more effeminate
of the two?
I get that the woman in a relationship is traditionally
supposed to be the one that takes the last name, but I thought we could start
moving past that by now. I knew what I was stepping into when I changed my last
name, but I still constantly wonder why there is something to step into in the
first place. Women taking the last name of a man always felt like someone
marking their property to me. “We are together, you are mine and no one else’s,
now you have to change your last name so I can assert this power over you.”
Now, women can keep their name entirely, change their middle name to their maiden
name, hyphenate, take the husband’s last name, have the husband take her last
name, basically do whatever they want (as it should be). Some would be named
feminazis, some men would be thought of as weak willed. Why are we still
thinking on these archaic lines? The thing that makes the most sense in a given
situation for totally equality is for both parties to take each other’s last
name since both parties are joining their families together. In my case it
would Dustin Paul Anderson-Shimoji/Sean S. Anderson-Shimoji, but that still
wouldn’t work for me because I hate my last name and want it to be erased from
my future for all of eternity. While it’s the most equal it doesn’t fit every
given situation.
I guess what this all boils down to is:
11) Yes, I took my husband’s last name.
22) No, that doesn’t make him, nor I, the dominant
person in the marriage.
33) No, my sex life is none of your concern.
44) Yes, I’m completely fine with having a name that
is assured to be mispronounced over a name that makes me feel like shit/is the
name of the main character in a popular science fiction motion picture series.
55) Yes, getting your name changed is a pain in the
ass especially if you are in the military. Along with Driver’s License and
social security card you have to get a new military ID, get a military ID for
your spouse and put them into the military system, sign a new W4 (still haven’t
done that), your name has to change on the military driver’s license, all
paperwork, wait for new dog tags, wait for new name tapes, go through more
headaches if someone put your given name over your family name on something
that was supposed to be accomplished.
Now, tell me what you think.
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