Wrote this as an assignment for my Creative Writing class. The assignment was to write a one page non-fictional story, with one fictional element. This story doesn't exactly hold me in the greatest light. I hope you enjoy.
Act your orientation
It was a hot, Florida-like day on
the morning of the day I would become a man in society’s eyes. I was by the
pool at my current girlfriend’s house and I looked at her with the same
curiosity that I always had, wondering silently to myself if there would ever
be a moment that I would truly be attracted to her. I could see other boys
looking at her in the hall, I could definitely discern that she had attractive
features, but for some reason my mind could not escape this trapped feeling of
never wanting anything more than a close friend that I was obligated to see every
day. I could see she felt the opposite way about me. She could hardly keep her
jubilation hidden every time we kissed in a hall way, or around her friends.
She acted the same way when we were alone like we were currently, but it was
more of a show when we were in public. Like I was a prize her friends should
recognize. It was like I listened to her thoughts during these moments and kept
hearing the same mantra recited back to me: “look, I got Dustin, the guy that
doesn’t seem interested in anyone.”
My lack of interest in the opposite
sex had gathered some negative attention from other boys in the school. I was
constantly asked “what are you some kind of fag bro? You need to go ask some of
these hotties out.” I always said that it was my extreme lack of confidence
that led to my sexual solitude, in reality I couldn’t stand lying to someone
that seemed to truly care for me in a way I could never care for them. I didn’t know if I was “some kind of fag” at
the time, I could never admit it to myself. I always thought more of the boys
in my classes then the girls, and I was often aroused by those thoughts but I
could never bring myself to act on them. My father always let me know that
having the kind of thoughts that raced in my head would lead my soul to an
eternal pit of torment. The kids in my school would constantly harass the boys
who would come out of the closet. Some would be beaten physically, while others
would be ridiculed mercilessly until they eventually stopped coming to school
all together. I was a true coward in the face of social adversity, instead of
realizing my feelings, I buried them.
That cowardice led me to this
moment, the moment that would allow me to be seen as straight to all of my
comrades. The moment that would finally allow me to live a life of
non-confrontation. The day I lose my virginity. While I sat there hoping for
some sort of attraction to appear, looking at this girl in a bikini, my brain
was at war to save me from a path moral questionability. “You’re too young. You
just got done with middle school, give it at least until your second year of
high school.” The angel on my shoulder
said. “You know at least ten other guys that have done this already. You’re
fine.” The demon on the opposite shoulder responded. “She has been baking in
this sun for quite some time. She will probably be too burnt to want to do
anything.” The angel hoped for me. “This is her plan. She wants to do this
regardless of a little sunburn. She intentionally invited you over to spend the
night with no parents. If you look in her drawer I bet you’ll find a condom.”
The Devil blocked. The two went back and forth in my mind for some time until
she arose from her baking, to smile at me. We went through the rest of our day
like normal, relaxing with some television, sharing kisses here and there until
the night came.
She had invested in some candles
for our first sleep over and my shoulder angel was ringing off warning bells as
she lit them. We completely undressed each other and my shoulder Devil’s
premonition turned out to be mostly accurate as she unveiled a condom from her
purse. I asked her multiple times if she was sure this is what she wanted, I
assured her multiple times we could wait, in some last ditch effort to save my
soul from this wretched engagement. Nothing worked and we eventually found
ourselves embraced in a post coital cuddle. I made sure to be very attentive to
her needs, figuring thtat at least one of us should derive some pleasure from
this; even with this thought in my head, I was beyond ashamed of myself. I
committed the ultimate misogynic sin by using a girl for my own ends instead of
truly being in love with her. Although she seemed happy by this outcome I know
that if she could read my mind she would feel disgusted in me. My pit was only
dug deeper as we continued this activity until our eventual break up, my pit
was only made wider as she wouldn’t be the only girl I would do this to. The
path of redemption for my soul wouldn’t begin for some time after I was done
with high school. I still pray to this day that it is not beyond saving for my
crimes against those women’s feeling and my own conscience.
-The one fictional thing about this story is that we never
had any candles.
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